My Reply to my aunt's reply.

I said sorry to my aunt and said I'll wash the dishes for 1 month and buy for her the New Age cleanser and serum from the SimplySiti line and what not and created this image for her but she have not reply me yet. (heart shape not drawn by me.)

After seeing her reply.

But she only said, "Salam Nadia. Noted."

Before seing my aunt's reply.

I’ve not seen my aunt’s reply to my email yet but honestly I’ve already start feeling guilty because I know she has to handle a lot of things and whenever someone’s stress they will come and attack her. I hope she understands. Bismillahirrahmanirrahim…

A letter to my aunt (malay)

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Assalamualaikum Alang,

Caca harap alang janganlah beritahu caca lagi supaya tidak melengahkan solat. Hati caca sakit hingga caca tidak dapat tidur malam. Caca rasa caca boleh jadi gila walaupun caca harap insyaAllah tidak terjadilah perkara yang tak diharapkan. Caca bukannya jahil. Caca tahu bila caca harus bersolat. Ibadah caca, biarlah menjadi antara caca dan Allah. Apa sahaja suami alang fikir, caca harap tak payahlah disampaikan kepada caca. Bila dia menikahi alang, dia seharusnya mengerti hanya alang sahaja yang harus dia “bimbing”. Tak usahlah nak membimbing caca sekali gus. Kerja itu biarlah ditugaskan kepada bakal suami caca dan Allah sendiri.

Cerita ini, caca memang tak nak ungkit lagi tapi biar caca ingatkan alang, tiga tahun lalu caca berusaha sedaya upaya untuk menhindari dia dari memasuki keluarga kita. Tapi akhirnya caca gagal dan dia menang. Mungkin ini takdir Tuhan. Caca cuba bersabar. Kalau alang fikirkan, dah banyak caca bersabar. Alang yang nak sangat menikahi dia, alang bertahanlah dengan sikap dia. Jangan sampai caca terkena tempias dia. Kerana ianya tidak adil memandangkan caca seratus peratus tidak menyetujui kedatangan dia.

Apa caca fikir, alang mesti belajar beritahu dia apa yang patut. Jangan sampai dia pijak kepala alang kerana apa yang caca lihat, alang memang takut dengan dia. First off, buat dia faham yang dia tak seharusnya masuk campur hal caca. Jangan sampai caca sakit hati sebab sekarang ni caca harus selesaikan Portfolio Development dan juga Final Year Project. Bacalah Ayatul Kursi kerana ia akan dapat membantu alang. Amin.

Sekian,

Terima Kasih

Natasha.

I tried to save the fish.

My aunt is nice to me most of the time but there are certain things which a lot of times piss me off because of her. Especially when she stubbornly insists that there are still oxygen in the fish tank whenever the “straw/tube” are no longer intact from the filter despite many fishes that have died due to the same problem and me telling her so many times that the straw is needed.

I don’t think she really care that the fish died. No one really care. Even my dad. “Fishes are fragile anyway,” they would say. But I feel the pain. Hanya Allah sahaja yang mengerti. Bagai hatiku dicarik-carik.

And they never listen to me. Why won’t they listen to me? I struggled every time I wish to save a fish. I really wish to save them. They never took me seriously. They will just ignore me because they didn’t want to fight. I really wish someone who reads this will really know that I do feel the pain and are not overly emotional. I need someone to tell my aunt how wrong her perception regarding the fish was because she won’t listen to me. I hate all my cousins because they always listen to me expression and emotionless. They never felt sorry for the fish. They’re always on the fence and will never come down. It’s pointless talking to them.

my aunt

My aunt is a very nice person. But like I said, after her marriage she turned really weird. I’m not saying that she’s no longer nice but she got more annoying. Recently she kept asking me to get married which come to think of it, is not that big of a deal. But the way she says it is really draggy and fake and annoying that it makes me feel like punching her face. And come on! She should know very well that I should at least finish off studying before even thinking of all this. And if I don’t think of it, why in the world should she. I mean look at the shitty husband that she got. She is in no position to tell me this. She should really stop because ever since she got married, she has then turned into a mouse.

My aunt's husband

I have never supported my aunt’s affair with her now husband but they got married in Batam anyways and my cousins supported it and no one cared about whatever that I said.

But I guessed the true colour’s revealed now and everyone’s uselessly regretting and this includes my aunt. Still the only one really affected by this is me. I really wish to say if only my beloved grandpa is still around none of this would have happened but again that would be the talk of useless people and I refuse to be useless like everyone else. So now everything’s on me since it’s no longer on my late grandpa’s but I bet if my grandpa hears this he would rise up from his grave. So let’s be useful people and not make him hear this okay.

The thing is, in that hell time when everyone uselessly accepted him, I told my cousin that if anything happens in this house I would stop talking to him and he said as the eldest one, he would make sure nothing happens and if it does he will do something to stop it. I just hope he’d never forget this.

My aunt's husband

My aunt said, "Next time when Uncle Zaki is around, you should wash your plate." What if there's no plate to wash? Does this mean I have to wait until I see his face then start washing my dish? Is that it? He complaint to my aunt (his dumb wife who can only listen to him) that I didn't pick up the phone. I didn't hear the phone rang! I am all alone.

How long do I have to tolerate this. When my Grandpa was still around this house entirely belong to me. After he decided that he just had to marry my aunt and clean his dirty feet before grandly entering the house then claiming himself the rightful owner, I no longer have any form of say.

I have lots to write about him but I am so tired of all this that it makes me unbearably tired that I can't write. Maybe this was the plan. To tire me out so that I can no longer write about him. Vicious!

Should I forget about it?

As I was praying (maghrib), -I know I should be concentrating and the failure to do so is absolutely my fault- I kept thinking of the baby elephants who got tortured and beaten. I can’t get it off my mind but should I even try? My heart ached and I can literally feel it, physically, and I told myself to inhale deeper breaths. What can I do to help? I wanted so much to help but I kept ignoring ACRES’s emails because I can’t afford the time to go for trainings and visits and such because I’m load up with school, FYP and PD. Then as my mind is swirling with these thoughts, guilt started flowing through my veins and it weakens my pair of legs which allows me to kneel and deliver prostration like water. So my little heart said a little prayer and may this prayer full of only goodness be fulfilled. My little baby elephants, I’m sorry that you have to go through so much pain and I’m sorry I’m not doing much. I’m really sorry. If I have one wish, I’ll wish to be an animal fairy and take you to fly. I’ll torture those who had tortured you. I’ll tie them up like how they tied you. Then I’ll bring them to fly high above the sky like I brought you, and I’ll let them go because they won’t let you. I’ll see to their bodies shatter into pieces on the ground and let no one clean their blood. Let the red remind the others how evil will end up.
Don’t worry. I’m not a psycho or anything.

Animal Abuse

Yeah, as much as i had said previously that I would try to update my blog more frequently, I did not. Honestly, I had already forgotten that I have a blog until i saw like some sorta pop up ad about baby elephant being tied up and beaten. I don't even dare to click on it because I'm afraid to see what the poor elephant had to go through. I don't want to see the picture nor any videos. I'm usually very quiet and I don't know who to talk to about this and somehow, I have this feeling that my friends don't really care. So, I'll write it here although maybe no one would look at it anyways.

Just a week ago my mum told me my brother saw a video about a dog being abused by someone until worms started growing on it. I don't really understand because I didn't watch it and I can't watch it. I really can't. She mentioned that my brother cried. My brother cried? Then I saw in SPCA news about a cat, burned at a majority percentage of its skin. Last Tuesday, in Facebook, a friend beside me opens this video about a dog/puppy hit by its cursed female owner - who doesn't deserved to be called a woman nor human and definitely shouldn’t be married and if she is, her husband must have been blind if not as cruel and black hearted just like her – I looked for a second and looked away immediately and cry because I could see the fear and confusion in its eyes. I wish that criminal will be shattered into pieces soon like how Edward crashed Victoria then burned her to ashes and turned her into nothing. Because the world would definitely do better without abusers like her.

The question is, why are things like this occurring? Stress? Aren’t stressed people supposed to be like taking yoga lessons, learning to take deep breaths or attempting suicide? At least, instead of taking it out on something else that clearly doesn’t have a screwed up life like you, why not try cutting your pathetic selves or something?

Maybe I'm Different

I've not updated my blog since ages and I noticed somehow people around me blog everyday. I don't know what to write and I'm lazy. I'm weird. That's not the only thing that I noticed recently. I noticed that alot of times when I'm with someone be it friends or relatives, I'll be upset because of their behaviour and words. I'm perfectly at ease when I'm alone. I'm not actually certain whether people say things and it upset me because of my character that shows I'm really patient so they can say whatever they want or it's me who's weak and overly sensitive and my weak heart can accept whatever that they spit out from their mouth.

However lucky enough, God gave me really amazing friends that are appretiative and comfortable to be around with. Especially my best friend. Besides friends, there are also teachers and relatives like aunts and uncles that are rational and they understands me. I love my maternal aunt best. My paternal aunt... Geez, she calls me alot and all she does is praise her husband like she got married to some kinda God and I can't stop her. She'll just continue without caring whether it annoys me. Should I be annoyed? Well maybe I shouldn't. Although what her husband does at home have nothing to do with me, she repeats the same old praises everytime and no one else wants to talk to her so they sacrifice me to be on the phone with her. Deep inside, I'm like "shut up already!"

Is it just me?

Have I been sharing a lot of bad things that’s happening or a lot of bad things have happened to me? Of course I’ve been sharing a lot of bad things. There are great things that’s going on which I sometimes tend not to share. Like how beautiful are the clouds today. Have you guys seen how gorgeous a full moon looks like? The clouds were full and thick and white today that I could almost not see the blue sky. Plus grandfather sun was hiding behind it (probably sleeping that old manJ) making the clouds shine like white gold. Have I mentioned that I love riding the bus? Sitting at the side and looking out of the window at the trees and sky. Weird huh? I am weird. That’s why I don’t have many friends. Therefore, all the more I should appreciate them. I went to school for UT today and to my horror the lift wasn’t working! But it could take me to the third floor. So I went to the third floor and took the stairs to the sixth floor and the stairway door at the sixth floor was locked so I couldn’t go to class. And so was the door on the fifth floor and the fourth! Oh gosh! Fortunately the third floor stairway door wasn’t, so I manage to go out. I thought I was late so everything locked on me. But actually it was because I was way early. I saw my classmate Eamon (or is that how they spell it) and he told me that I wouldn’t be able to access the venue until half an hour before the UT starts. Eamon also shared that if you drink red bull, it work instantly but if you crash then you crash. Is that true?

:(

I went out earlier to school today although my exams only start at around noon because I had to print something for my project. So on my way to school, I was looking at my shadow and I noticed there is a shadow of a man behind me. I noticed but I didn’t think much about it. So I stop for a while to fix the fold of my pants then I continued walking. Then this uncle said hi. So I replied politely. Then he asked where am I going and I said school. Which school? And I answered. Then he asked if I had a boyfriend and I said no. Why didn’t you look for one? I said that it’s hard. How can it be hard when you are so pretty? I was starting to feel uncomfortable but I didn’t say anything. Then he started saying that he do it only once a month because he’s old. At that point of time, I only wish that he would leave but he did not. So I cross the road and he cross the road and I walk towards the mrt station and he walk to the mrt station and he continued talking about his whatever. He didn’t stop talking although I stopped replying him. He asked me why I didn’t take ‘that’ route to school since it’s shorter. I didn’t reply but of course it’s because ‘that’ route is quieter. And he said bye at the mrt station while I continued to walk to school. I guess it’s just my luck that I would never meet a guy that has good intention. If that’s the case, then guys or uncles, just go away.

:)

my first time collaging. i think i'll delete as soon as i do another one. this is ct and me by the way. on the way to attending a meeting in hq.

Val

I felt really sorry that Valerie left. I think I did see her around two days ago. As sudden as it is for me, I bet it feels more than just sudden to those closer to her. We weren’t the best of friends but somehow she had been pleasant in my eyes. Once in class, she called me bitch very casually while we were discussing. I think it’s because she thinks that I’m too weak and that’s one way to toughen me up. I didn’t mind it at all. She must be something. Usually I am quite sensitive. She’ll be in my prayers.

A letter to a friend

Are you sure I'm your dearest friend? Then why do you keep criticising my race and religion? Have you ever stop to consider my feelings before you say just anything that you wish to?

The reason why you had no means to contact me is not because I lost my phone or my phone is defective but it’s because I won’t let you. I can do better without having you in my life.

It’s been a year. Since I made the decision to never see you again. I bet you still don’t see where you’ve gone wrong.

I waited for you to change but there is a limit to even the most patient person. I don’t see that you were anything close to changing. Sometimes, I realised, that you won’t even leave my language alone.

Go find another friend. Who can endure your UNETHICAL attitude.

Nevertheless, thank you. For I had learnt to appreciate my better friends. Whom can respect my halal diet and other requirements and never did any comparison. Of course they wouldn’t. Who would be as redundant as you? Telling me to show more skin every time we see each other when you already know I couldn’t. Asking me to change my religion and what not.

And be like you? Lacking of moral values. Are you born this rude?

It’s almost a relief to write this all down. I never told anyone about this. As I don’t wish to say bad things about you. I suffered by your words all alone.

If you ever read this, do your dignity some justice and go away. I’ll thank God.

I’m not sorry.

I'm no longer mad.

I can't be mad at ct for long. she's too cute :) but i still go beyond the fact that she was wrong on that day.

Unappreciated

No matter how i blast Tata Young's "A Bo Da Bae", I still couldn't forget and stop crying about what happened today. I tried to please every side and I was in so much dilemma. I wished to help out in the blood drive but I didn’t skip class. I could only help out during break time but the first break was too short to even get food for someone like me. For some others, it was sufficient enough cos they weren’t afraid of being late at all. I should just be like them.

I went down during second break and I had to divide my time to help out a little in blood drive and to have lunch with my bestie. In the end they borrowed me to help carry stuff for project rice instead. So I did. I went out to see a few heavy cartons of drinks outside which should be carried in. A few of us including bestie stack around six cartons on a trolley and I started pushing it to the blood drive location because of certain reason.

My bestie helped me. But it was hard. No matter how some arrogant bitc’ says that its not, it was. We had to push it on rough surfaces outside then the trolley got stuck a few times at the door to go inside and inside, we had to push up and down the slopes, in and out the lift. Bear in mind that the cartons could even fall from the trolley so we had to be careful.

In the blood drive location, there was Jeff but he was cold as ice and no matter how unhappy he was with whatever he shouldn’t just ignore me. So I asked ct where should I put the trolley and she said behind. So I pushed it behind but then ct came to push it even further to the corner which was less then 3 metres away.

In class I did my work which requires me to draw a female soldier and so I did. I requested my Faci to let me leave after presentation but I didn’t tell him any reasons because it’s just me. But faci told the whole class that the whole class should just as well leave and every student who wants to go off early have a special reason and that it would get him into trouble and so on so forth.

It was a fairly acceptable rejection until one of my classmates took her bag and leave after she presented so smoothly and happily that it broke my heart. Faci even reminded her to do her RJ. How come she could leave? What was her reason? Was it as pure as mine? Wait till he needs one-third pack of blood (fyi, one pack saves three lives).

During presentation Faci asked “so you can draw?” when he saw the soldier that I drew. Yes I can draw. More than you can imagine. Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t that proud of that mere drawing anyway. I can do better.

In blood drive after class, I was telling ct how hard it was for my bestie to get the trolley all the way here and she kept insisting that it wasn’t. It wasn’t? Of course it wasn’t! For her. She barely pushed for 3 metres. She wasn’t the one who pushed all the way from outside. No one did. Except for me. Was it too much for me to expect a word or two of amazement or appreciation? I thought she was a friend. I guess she’s not worthy enough.

happy new year

Every year is a good year. I have to be grateful. I have to be. But i wish for more peace. Not just for 2010.